Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Before Bedtime Thoughts

It has been an emotional day for me, but this evening I am feeling peace and the love of the Lord and wanted to share here.

The second/third day after my c-sections are always very weepy for me. Anyone else's body work like that? I just know that the day after my c-sections I feel high as a kite, call tons of people, welcome visitors, get up and move around. Then, the next day hits. I am tired and so very sore (it may have to do with the fact that the morphine is totally out of my system by then), weepy, and not sure if I want to see anyone or have anyone see me in my weepy state. I dread every phone call (even though to a certain extent they are good for me) because I fear that I'll start crying in the midst of any conversation--and in most, I do.

So that was today for me. Throw into that the fact that my blood pressure hasn't dropped like they wanted and finally today they started expressing concern about it. And that Margaret has decided at about half of her feedings in the past 24 hours that she'd just as soon not eat, which means that they are feeding her passively (via gavage tube), which means that there is a very good chance she won't come home with me on Friday. Water works.

I tried talking myself through it this afternoon. I tried reciting scriptures to myself that generally help me to remember to have faith. I tried calling my husband (but just sobbed to him to the point that he was sure I was hysterical.) I tried praying but not on my knees, since I couldn't possibly do that right now, and I kept finding my mind wandering. Part of the problem is my pain killers make it hard to focus on much of anything. Anyway, I was a blubbery mess this afternoon.

But tonight I am better. When I went to see and feed Margaret at 6:00 she didn't want to eat, but I held her and loved her and felt some peace returning. I was able to remind myself not to waste energy worrying about things that were out of my control. Then Jared came. He and his dad gave me (and then the baby) a priesthood blessing. Basically, they use the power of their preisthood to bless me with the things that they feel prompted that the Lord wants to tell me. I love priesthood blessings and really felt Heavenly Father wrapping His arms around me tonight. I was also reminded that He gives us trials for a reason and that I shouldn't expect that my life will be without them. Of course I already knew this, but I wasn't really thinking that way. I need to remember that He gives us trials so that we learn to rely on Him and also that His works may be made manifest. He wants me to see His power and blessings in my life, and I need the trials for that.

Margaret ate so well tonight after her blessing. She started out acting sleepy and lethargic as she had been doing, but then all of a sudden she latched on and went to town. She had a great feeding and was bright-eyed for us. We had such a nice time there with her, enjoying our daughter. I left feeling much better. Much, much better.

We still need your prayers. I don't know what is up with my health at the moment, although there is no reason for us to worry either. More importantly, we need to exercise our faith to help Margaret have the energy and desire to eat every 3 hours so that she can come home and be with our family. I know that so many people love us and care about our situation--please pray for Margaret and for me that I won't be a basket case and for Jared that he'll be able to handle me even when I am!

In the meantime, here are a few of the scriptures that have been coming to my head over the course of this week and the trials that we've had (I know I still haven't delivered on the promise of her birth story, but that's for another post. I need some sleep.)

Be still and know that I am God.-- D&C 101:16

Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.-- D&C 90:24

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowlege Him, and He will direct thy paths.--Proverbs 3:5-6

I love the scriptures and am so grateful that the Lord uses them to comfort us in times of need. I am so grateful to be able to turn to Him in my trials and that He hears my pleas. I am grateful to know that He knows my pain, my needs, my fears, and desires to bless me.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


Anonymous said...

Love you.


Jeannetta said...

You and Margaret are in my prayers.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Oh, goodness. I missed the birth in my blogging absence. Congratulations!! This is a daunting and exciting time; give your emotions permission to be all over the place. My Natalie was not a good nurser and it was very challenging. I understand your frustration. Follow your doctor's advice and don't let yourself feel like a failure as long as you're trying-- chances are, she'll figure it out and thrive just fine even it's not the way you'd expect.

Prayers with you and the new little angel. Rest well.

Aubrey said...

As a mother of 3 c-section babes, I totally understand. Totally.
(Why anyone would choose that over a regular birth is totally an completely beyond my understanding!)
All those drugs definitely take a toll on a person. I hate the loopy, unconcentrated feeling. But, it will pass.

I hope she gets to come home with you! But regardless of what happens, it will all work out for the best. Enjoy having a newborn...they grow so fast!

Chocolate on my Cranium said...

Oh Michal, so sorry it's a little rough right now. I was just reading Elder Scott's conference talk and underlined this part right after he talked about losing his wife, "I believe that is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties." It's so hard to keep that perspective when we are in the midst of our trials. God bless you!

TheQueen@TerrorsInTiaras said...

Congratulations on your beautiful Margaret. I love the second picture down, with her cute brother. Adorable.
Those after-pregnancy hormones coupled with medications and stress can really reek havoc! I'll keep you and little Margaret in my prayers.

Kim said...

First of all, congratulations on a BEAUTIFUL little princess! What a precious little doll.

And second, this too shall pass. Hang in there and please let us help in any way possible. I will need distraction in the next 10 days or so since this little boy is showing no desire of joining our family before his due date despite my not sleeping at night because of constant contractions. I need some service to distract me. I will be calling to steal those boys away to swim for the next few days. Feel free to weep at me anytime. I will be praying that both you and Meg will be making a joyous homecoming Friday.


Molly said...

Hang in there! Everything will work out. We're praying for you and little Margaret.

Cellista said...

I love that quote Cocoa shared, and having just been through some trials myself ;), that is a great thought to keep in mind.
I wish I were closer so I could do more for you. But I will keep you and little Margaret in my prayers. Having a little one in the NICU is tough. I know.


Sonja said...

Dear Michal,
I have come to love you so much through your writing! You express yourself so clearly, I often think I can hear your voice when I'm reading your words. And so, I wept I little reading this post, because the emotions are so real. But by the end of your post I was smiling, because your testimony is so real too. Isn't it incredible what we can accomplish with the Lord's help?

Oh I love you and wish you and Margaret a speedy recovery.


Jennifer said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Both my boys have come via c-section and yes the 3rd day is a crash, you suddenly realize that your exhausted and your body feels like it's been ran over by a semi-truck, and then you realize that you have a newborn to worry about and take care of.

Take deep breaths and don't try to be super women. We love you

Martin said...

Hang in the Michal. I will call you on friday.

Cornfields, children and waterballet said...

She is absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing this post. I have tears in my eyes just reading it! I am just so grateful that you are surrounded by wonderful family and friends. That makes the journey so much easier. I will keep you and "Miss Margaret-Meg" in our prayers today! Again, we love you and what a wonderful addition to your family!

The Cornfield Snider's! :)

Anonymous said...

I am always such a disaster after giving birth- niagra falls! We'll keep you in our prayers!


Catherine said...

Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl. I'm so sorry about all the difficult things that have come about for little Margaret and for you. I can sympathize with you in a way that would've been impossible for me just a few weeks ago. We've been going through some similar things with our little lightweight. We are keeping you and your sweet baby girl in our prayers.

J and M said...

We are praying for you. For what it's worth, let the faucets go wild! When you cry and let the tears out, it changes your body hormonally as well (it's not just tears to get dirt out of eyes, but alters the body chemically) so let them flowwwwww. We pray for you and your cutie girl (and crew).

Tamlynn said...

I missed the big announcement, so congrats on your sweet baby girl! I hope things start getting better quickly.