The second/third day after my c-sections are always very weepy for me. Anyone else's body work like that? I just know that the day after my c-sections I feel high as a kite, call tons of people, welcome visitors, get up and move around. Then, the next day hits. I am tired and so very sore (it may have to do with the fact that the morphine is totally out of my system by then), weepy, and not sure if I want to see anyone or have anyone see me in my weepy state. I dread every phone call (even though to a certain extent they are good for me) because I fear that I'll start crying in the midst of any conversation--and in most, I do.
So that was today for me. Throw into that the fact that my blood pressure hasn't dropped like they wanted and finally today they started expressing concern about it. And that Margaret has decided at about half of her feedings in the past 24 hours that she'd just as soon not eat, which means that they are feeding her passively (via gavage tube), which means that there is a very good chance she won't come home with me on Friday. Water works.
I tried talking myself through it this afternoon. I tried reciting scriptures to myself that generally help me to remember to have faith. I tried calling my husband (but just sobbed to him to the point that he was sure I was hysterical.) I tried praying but not on my knees, since I couldn't possibly do that right now, and I kept finding my mind wandering. Part of the problem is my pain killers make it hard to focus on much of anything. Anyway, I was a blubbery mess this afternoon.
But tonight I am better. When I went to see and feed Margaret at 6:00 she didn't want to eat, but I held her and loved her and felt some peace returning. I was able to remind myself not to waste energy worrying about things that were out of my control. Then Jared came. He and his dad gave me (and then the baby) a priesthood blessing. Basically, they use the power of their preisthood to bless me with the things that they feel prompted that the Lord wants to tell me. I love priesthood blessings and really felt Heavenly Father wrapping His arms around me tonight. I was also reminded that He gives us trials for a reason and that I shouldn't expect that my life will be without them. Of course I already knew this, but I wasn't really thinking that way. I need to remember that He gives us trials so that we learn to rely on Him and also that His works may be made manifest. He wants me to see His power and blessings in my life, and I need the trials for that.
Margaret ate so well tonight after her blessing. She started out acting sleepy and lethargic as she had been doing, but then all of a sudden she latched on and went to town. She had a great feeding and was bright-eyed for us. We had such a nice time there with her, enjoying our daughter. I left feeling much better. Much, much better.
We still need your prayers. I don't know what is up with my health at the moment, although there is no reason for us to worry either. More importantly, we need to exercise our faith to help Margaret have the energy and desire to eat every 3 hours so that she can come home and be with our family. I know that so many people love us and care about our situation--please pray for Margaret and for me that I won't be a basket case and for Jared that he'll be able to handle me even when I am!
In the meantime, here are a few of the scriptures that have been coming to my head over the course of this week and the trials that we've had (I know I still haven't delivered on the promise of her birth story, but that's for another post. I need some sleep.)
Be still and know that I am God.-- D&C 101:16
Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.-- D&C 90:24
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowlege Him, and He will direct thy paths.--Proverbs 3:5-6
I love the scriptures and am so grateful that the Lord uses them to comfort us in times of need. I am so grateful to be able to turn to Him in my trials and that He hears my pleas. I am grateful to know that He knows my pain, my needs, my fears, and desires to bless me.
Tomorrow will be a better day.