Before Bedtime Thoughts

It has been an emotional day for me, but this evening I am feeling peace and the love of the Lord and wanted to share here.

The second/third day after my c-sections are always very weepy for me. Anyone else's body work like that? I just know that the day after my c-sections I feel high as a kite, call tons of people, welcome visitors, get up and move around. Then, the next day hits. I am tired and so very sore (it may have to do with the fact that the morphine is totally out of my system by then), weepy, and not sure if I want to see anyone or have anyone see me in my weepy state. I dread every phone call (even though to a certain extent they are good for me) because I fear that I'll start crying in the midst of any conversation--and in most, I do.

So that was today for me. Throw into that the fact that my blood pressure hasn't dropped like they wanted and finally today they started expressing concern about it. And that Margaret has decided at about half of her feedings in the past 24 hours that she'd just as soon not eat, which means that they are feeding her passively (via gavage tube), which means that there is a very good chance she won't come home with me on Friday. Water works.

I tried talking myself through it this afternoon. I tried reciting scriptures to myself that generally help me to remember to have faith. I tried calling my husband (but just sobbed to him to the point that he was sure I was hysterical.) I tried praying but not on my knees, since I couldn't possibly do that right now, and I kept finding my mind wandering. Part of the problem is my pain killers make it hard to focus on much of anything. Anyway, I was a blubbery mess this afternoon.

But tonight I am better. When I went to see and feed Margaret at 6:00 she didn't want to eat, but I held her and loved her and felt some peace returning. I was able to remind myself not to waste energy worrying about things that were out of my control. Then Jared came. He and his dad gave me (and then the baby) a priesthood blessing. Basically, they use the power of their preisthood to bless me with the things that they feel prompted that the Lord wants to tell me. I love priesthood blessings and really felt Heavenly Father wrapping His arms around me tonight. I was also reminded that He gives us trials for a reason and that I shouldn't expect that my life will be without them. Of course I already knew this, but I wasn't really thinking that way. I need to remember that He gives us trials so that we learn to rely on Him and also that His works may be made manifest. He wants me to see His power and blessings in my life, and I need the trials for that.

Margaret ate so well tonight after her blessing. She started out acting sleepy and lethargic as she had been doing, but then all of a sudden she latched on and went to town. She had a great feeding and was bright-eyed for us. We had such a nice time there with her, enjoying our daughter. I left feeling much better. Much, much better.

We still need your prayers. I don't know what is up with my health at the moment, although there is no reason for us to worry either. More importantly, we need to exercise our faith to help Margaret have the energy and desire to eat every 3 hours so that she can come home and be with our family. I know that so many people love us and care about our situation--please pray for Margaret and for me that I won't be a basket case and for Jared that he'll be able to handle me even when I am!

In the meantime, here are a few of the scriptures that have been coming to my head over the course of this week and the trials that we've had (I know I still haven't delivered on the promise of her birth story, but that's for another post. I need some sleep.)

Be still and know that I am God.-- D&C 101:16

Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.-- D&C 90:24

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowlege Him, and He will direct thy paths.--Proverbs 3:5-6

I love the scriptures and am so grateful that the Lord uses them to comfort us in times of need. I am so grateful to be able to turn to Him in my trials and that He hears my pleas. I am grateful to know that He knows my pain, my needs, my fears, and desires to bless me.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Faith, not Doubt

I've been thinking a lot lately about what polar opposites faith and doubt are. I suppose it started with my spiritual wrestling with God over homeschooling our brood. I had previously let fear keep me from doing anything more than talking about researching possibly doing home school! In my mind, I was actually researching, but deep down I was hoping that the Lord would point me in a different direction and that my research would be akin to Abraham being willing to sacrifice Isaac--at the last minute, the angel would sweep in and send my kids back to school. To my amazement, the more I looked into home school, the more potential that I could see for it to truly bless my family; and yet, I was still afraid.
Anyhow, last week when I felt an undeniable impression that homeschooling our children NOW, not some non-committal day in the future, was the right thing to do, I couldn't shake the fear. I have been heard to say all the same things that so many people have said to me in the past week: "I just don't think I could do homeschool;" followed by one of the following sentences:

• "I'm not organized enough."
• "My kids and I really need a break from each other."
• "I don't have the patience for it."
• "I really need that time while they are in school."

Guess what? Those things were all still true about me. The only thing that had really changed was that deep down in my heart, I knew that it was the best thing for my kids. (I'm not trying to preach that it's the best for everyone, but I knew that it was the best for mine.) So, I asked the Lord to take away my fear. And I immediately remembered the principle that fear and faith cannot coexist. I determined to focus on my faith in God. I have to trust Him. If He, in His infinite wisdom, knows homeschooling to be the path for my family to take, what do I have to be afraid of? Certainly it will require change, work, more patience than I currently have, and a healthy dose of prayer, but why should I fear those things?
Then yesterday morning as I was studying the scriptures, a strip of paper fell out of them. It was a quote from a lesson I had in Relief Society ages ago. It said,
"Remember, faith and doubt cannot exist in the mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. Cast out doubt. Cultivate faith. Strive always to retain that childlike faith which can move mountains and bring heaven closer to heart and home." --Thomas S. Monson
Not only did this quote fit in with the theme of my musings of late, but I was struck with the last phrase: that faith can bring heaven closer to heart and home. Isn't that our goal as mothers (and fathers)? What better reason to cast out doubt and cultivate faith?
I love the term cultivate there, it reminds me of gardening (which is not one of my strengths, although I would love to change that.) Faith doesn't just happen. It's not that you either have it or you don't. You have to work at it, feeding it, watering it, weeding out the doubts and the other weeds that would attack your faith. It goes along with Alma's analogy in the Book of Mormon of faith being like a seed that will grow if nurtured properly.
I have felt so strengthened in the past week, since I made the commitment to follow the spiritual promptings I have been given to homeschool our children. I can feel my faith grow as I cast away doubt. And that faith is strengthening me and telling me that I, in my imperfect state, and take on this enormous challenge.
I am filled with gratitude and with the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows me, my family, our needs, my flaws, and that He is willing to work with me to help me overcome the obstacles to become the woman that He wants me to be.

Preparing for the Ride of My Life!

So here's our big news. As fun as it was to watch you all speculate, I guess I should finally share. I just filled out the official affidavit with the state for our new private home school, (Our last name) Academy! We have been talking seriously about home educating our children for about six months, although I have toyed with the idea off and on since I was in college. Over the summer I began to feel better and better about it, yet was scared to make such a big change and commitment. Our plan was to research this year and implement next year, but I think that was mostly because "next year" sounds very far away and less scary somehow. But during the past few weeks I have felt more and more led towards homeschooling our family; the Lord has put people in my path everywhere lately who home school or who were home schooled and I've had so many positive encouraging conversations about it. As we watched General Conference last week, many of the things that were said about families and parenthood supported our long list of reasons why home school would be advantageous for our family. This week I couldn't get it off my mind (remember, I do have a tendency to obsess) and finally spent much of the day Thursday studying about it and praying about it and I just knew that this is what God wants for us. Once I had that confirmation, I changed my prayers to, "Lord, take away my fear and help me have faith." He has done that for me.
We choose to do this for a number of reasons; naturally, the fact that we have a special needs child got the conversation going but the more that we have researched, the more we feel that this will bless our entire family. We truly believe that we will be led to do this successfully, although I am not naive enough to believe that it will be easy or that we will have a seamless transition.
We had a family council today and told the kids. They were enthusiastic. We explained that we would choose a date for Kimball's last day in public school. Henry will home school with us in the morning but will finish afternoon kindergarten before we remove him from public school. Kimball knew exactly how long he wanted to stay for--his class has a "Pumpkin Day" scheduled in two weeks that he wants to participate in. We chose a school name, a mascot, and a few units that we will study first (polar bears and sharks. Did I mention that I already know more than I care to about those two creatures because I live in this house? But we wanted them to have a role in choosing our curriculum, and I'm sure that we can find more to learn about.)
So, wish us luck! We are excited, nervous, and gearing up for negative feedback from the public school when we break the news to them. But we are armed with the confidence that comes from knowing we are doing what God means for us to do. I know that He will help us to do it well. Thank goodness for personal revelation. I am so grateful that He is mindful enough of our little family to lead us in our lives.