True Love

Love is . . . .

• Coming home on the warmest day of the year (so far) to find that your wife (who has the flu) has made chicken noodle soup. You pretend like it's just what you wanted, even though you are starving and think of soup as a first course.
• Putting the kids to bed by yourself because your wife has the flu.
• Quickly forgiving your wife (who has the flu) when she crabs at you for playing a video game after putting the kids to bed.
• Hugging and kissing your wife (who has the flu) even when you're a GERMAPHOBE, because you can tell that she really needs it.

Love you, honey!

Michal's Book of the Year 2007

I decided that I am going to do my own "awards show" this year. Why not? It seems like everyone else out there gets to do one. The first three months of the year you can't turn on the television without accidentally finding an award show. Mine will not have a red carpet with scantily clad superstars on it, but I hope you'll tune in anyway!
I'm going to start with my Book of the Year award. It wasn't published in 2007 and it wasn't even the book that I enjoyed reading the most, (actually, I haven't even finished it yet!) The award goes to Covenant Hearts: Marriage and the Joy of Human Love by Bruce Hafen. This is the book I read this year that I felt made the biggest difference in my life (not including scripture.) I actually bought the book for Jared for Valentine's Day and then decided a few weeks later to pick it up and read it myself. I'd read a chapter here and there throughout the year. I really like Elder Hafen's perspective on marriage. He spends the first several chapters making the case for why marriage is so important and why it has been so undermined by Satan. Once the reader sees the covenant marriage with new eyes, the author identifies the "wolves" that can tear apart a marriage. He draws from his experience as a marriage and family therapist as well as from the Scriptures.
This book helped me become more aware of the ways that I was unintentionally hurting our marriage. As I read it a chapter at a time, spread out over the course of many months, I had time to ponder each chapter and how its teachings applied to me in my own relationship with my husband. Reading Covenant Hearts has truly changed my heart, and has helped me unlock a deeper love and joy in my marriage--even though I was already in a loving and rewarding marriage.
This book is written for an LDS audience and includes scripture and teachings that are specific to the LDS Church (such as the doctrine of eternal marriage) as well as Biblical references. I believe that whether you are LDS or not, your marriage can benefit from reading this book if you believe that the marriage covenant is the most important relationship in your life and one worth making better, and that God has a desire to see you succeed in your marriage.
This past year has really been one of the happiest of my life so far, in spite of having my share of trials and struggles, and I believe that this is partly due to my experience with this book as I try to apply the principles in it. I wish I could give a copy to every married couple that I know!
So, check it out if you haven't read it. You'll be glad you did.

Team Spirit

This fall, we entered a world new to us as parents: team sports. Henry was old enough this year to sign up for the local soccer league, and had been anxiously awaiting the day. Practices began mid-August and by the first Saturday in September we were all at a soccer game.
An under six soccer team is a sight to behold. You always have one kid who's picking his nose or fiddling with his shorts when the ball is headed right for him. In all honesty, I expected Henry to be the kid who lays down and sucks his thumb in the middle of the game. He, who has resisted sleep since the day he was born, is perpetually fatigued and has a tendency to whine. I was surprised to find on that first week that Henry was active in the entire game and only started showing signs of fatigue in the last few minutes. He got in there and kicked the ball, chased it down, and did his best to take it away from the other team as well. Who knew?
What I have figured out now, three games into the season, is that at least on our team (Go, Eagles!) the kids seem to take turns on whose week it is to be the space cadet. Henry did not have his finest game last week, when he had been up at the circus until 11pm the night before with his Grammy and Papa. (Grandparents think that our kids have early bed times because we--the parents--are mean and grumpy. They forget that if our kids don't have an early bedtime, they become mean and grumpy!) At one point, Henry even tried to take a little nap on one of the goal posts! And the kids who seemed like a lost cause in that first game were in the thick of things this week, fighting for their kick at the ball, very much a part of the game.
It made me think about how as a team, everyone has bad days and good days. Instead of relying on the star of the team to carry everyone else, in a good team everyone feels like the star at least some of the time, and each member feels the responsibility to help the team succeed. If we all do our best, then hopefully someone else will have a good day on our off day and we'll still pull off a win.
I'm going to bring this up tomorrow night during Family Home Evening because we have been talking to our kids about family unity a lot recently. We've memorized together a scripture on the subject and try to bring up every day how our actions and words can unify us or tear us apart. And I think that the team spirit analogy may bring this home to them.
It's a good thing to remember in a marriage as well. Sometimes we resent that our spouse is having a bad day (at being a spouse), when we just need to cut them some slack and recognize that it's a good day for us to carry the team to victory. Marriage is the perfect setting for the team mentality rather than the "me" mentality.
Anyway, think about how a team mentality might help a relationship in your life. Then go out there and bring home the win! And if you're in the neighborhood next Saturday, the Eagles' game is at 10:00 am!

Love and Marriage

In honor of today being our ten year anniversary, (love you, honey) and after reading this great post, which I found on david mcmahon's inspirational blog, I am moved to share some of the things that I have learned about love and marriage and family relationships in the last ten years. (Yes, I'm high-tech. I took a digital photo of a couple of wedding pictures rather than take them to Jared's office to scan them. Lazy is what it is.)
I cringe to remember what a cold new daughter-in-law I was. Jared's parents welcomed me warmly from the beginning, but like many young brides, I spent a while resisting the idea that differences in our families didn't have to be categorized as "right and wrong", "normal and weird." Don't get me wrong--we are not talking about huge, polarizing differences. In many, many ways, the culture in our families of origin were the same. But there are always differences, and I noticed them.
I have come to realize that I was feeling territorial and control-freakish about my husband and our time together and about establishing my own place in his family. I think that women have a tendency towards being territorial and that is why you hear far more cracks about mothers-in-law than you do about fathers-in-law. Again, there were no overt turf wars here, but I think it was very important to me in my immaturity to establish my "claim" over Jared, and then to attempt to claim the title of most accomplished, intelligent, capable, loving, and humorous daughter(-in-law or otherwise). Since my sisters-in-law and Jared's parents had no idea that there was a contest involved, you would think that would have been an easy task; but since I have very accomplished, intelligent, capable, loving, and humorous sisters-in-law, it was lots of hard work to try to measure up. One day I finally realized how ridiculous I was being. Jared's family had always treated me as one of their own, had never asked me to be better than the rest. Besides, I believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give your husband and your children is to love his family and overlook their flaws. I had to learn to relax and just be myself and enjoy the family. I do it for my own family--why not his, too?
Once I really let go of all of my fears, ego, and control (ok, so I guess I haven't let go of all of that, but most of it, perhaps,) I was able to truly love and enjoy each member of Jared's family. I have established rich, wonderful relationships with them and the line between his family and mine has become quite blurry. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.
One of the things that I have learned in marriage and in other family relationships is that you need to stop worrying about being right or who is at fault when there is a problem. If the relationship is important to you, focus on that and just do what you can to make it better. A few years ago, I read The Peacegiver, a book I highly recommend to all. It is written in a story format that is a bit cheesy but the message is powerful and important. We need to offer mercy and grace to our spouse and other loved ones, even when they are in the wrong, and to remember our own need for forgiveness from others and the Savior. Another book that has enhanced my understanding of the marriage relationship as the vehicle to true joy is Covenant Hearts by Bruce Hafen. He first outlines why marriage is so important to us as individuals, to families, to children specifically, and for society at large. He then gives wonderful counsel about striving to be the best spouse you can and of the value of sticking to your spouse when the going gets rough. President Hinckley has also given his secret to happy marriage: "The basis of a good marriage is mutual respect—respect for one another, a concern for the comfort and well-being of one another. That is the key. If a husband would think less of himself and more of his wife, we’d have happier homes." Other great articles about strengthening the marriage relationship can be found here.
All in all, I am so grateful for the man I married. Neither of us is perfect, but we are working together to get there. He works hard at being a good husband to me and it shows. I love him so much and am proud of the man that he is. I'm so glad that I have him by my side through the ups and downs of life, to enjoy the blessings and to overcome and understand the blessings that are disguised as trials. I am grateful for the example that we have of our own parents' relationships and for their support in our marriage. And I am so blessed to have four beautiful children, who bring joy into my life. Families are a treasure. Let's treat them that way!