Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Filing a Report

Hello, FBI? I am calling to report an alien abduction. It took place several months ago, but the clone that they left is such an amazing physical likeness to our three-year-old that it took us a while to figure out what happened.

Our Ian is the easy, laid back, thank-goodness-we- have-him kind of kid. Case in point: He slept through the night (12 hours) long before he was two months old. He proved to be uber-flexible when it came to napping schedules, since he was always being woken up to pick up someone from preschool or so his mom could fulfill her demanding church calling. He was cheerful nearly always and a joy to be around. People were always commenting on how sweet he was, how compliant, how easy to watch. Sure, he was busy, but since he announced everything he was going to do before he did it (we called him "the Narrator"), it was easy to nip problems in the bud.

But this clone "Ian" that the aliens left us has an altered personality. He is anything but compliant, and nothing we do seems to motivate him to do what we want him to. He doesn't respond to threats, bribes, begging, time outs, spankings . . . who ever heard of a human child like that? Instead of being flexible and laid back, he now has rigid alien customs that he must abide by:
  • that his blankets need to cover his legs but not his feet
  • his toast needs to be cut diagonally
  • he cannot wear a pair of shoes that is not his current favorite, regardless of whether it is appropriate for the occasion or outfit
  • he has stopped eating everything in sight and has decided that he won't eat half of our human food
  • cameras inflict physical pain on his alien brain, and thus he cannot tolerate having his picture taken, and will run screaming from the room in agony when one is produced
When he doesn't get things the way that he wants, this clone child is prone to ridiculous fits unlike anything seen before (in this previously perfect child).

We are loathe to give him up until we get our own Ian back, but we implore you to make this rescue mission a top priority. We can only imagine what alien Ian will be like as a teenager.

18 comments:

Life At MandyLand said...

He's definitly 3 .... I know the feeling my Olivia has turned into the same monster... I have to say though the last couple of times I have talked to him he just cracks me up... The stories he tells me are great and he's so animated ... I know they will out grow this stage ...Hopefully

An Ordinary Mom said...

I think Cory has been abducted by the same aliens ... HELP!?!?

It must be something with the 3 1/2 year mark.

Nana said...

What have you done to my Ian? Sounds like he needs a break - I need to have Nana sleep-overs.

MoziEsmé said...

This is so cute!

And since my baby isn't 3 yet and already has alien qualities, does that mean they get even worse when they turn 3?

McD said...

Sweet! When you find the other Ian, can I have the one you have now. I wouldn't mind rounding out the family with another blonde hair, blue-eyed boy with an attiude. It would go perfectly with Dusty!! Dusty melts into fits and murmors his issue until we are able to find our Dusty interpertation guide and we find out we poured milk into his bowl when we weren't suppossed to or we didn't let him put his sock on when he was upset because we asked him to put the other one his other foot himself. Let me know when we might abduct your alien.

Michal said...

mcd-
don't get me wrong--i have seen these same behaviors in his older brothers. we just thought he was different and it turns out . . . :) i guess every three year old goes a bit OCD?
as much as i'd like to give him away for a day or two at a time, i could never part with him for long.

moziesme,
some kids are born that way, some just turn into terrors! my oldest actually got better when he turned three.

Prudy said...

I can only survive by reading "So You Want to Raise a Boy" religiously. Ian is so cute, I'll take the alien version of him anyday.

Nicolette said...

I am so glad to know that Ty is not the only child in the area they've cloned. Today his pillow wasn't straight enough to nap on, and then when he was outside riding his power wheels, the same one he's been riding for over a year now, all of a sudden it's not going fast enough!! Oh, and his hair is now taking him longer to make perfect then I spend on mine! When the aliens bring Ian home, can you ask if they have Ty? I miss him.

Mahina said...

oh, i feel for you! we've had some alien abductions of our own in our family as well! hopefully you will get YOUR ian back very soon!!

perilloparodies said...

oh, so know how that goes... hang in there... "this too shall pass..."

Sea Star said...

3 is the new two. I have said that to friends a number of times. When ever I hear "terrible twos" I have to correct them. 3 year olds are a lot harder!

I have a little guy turning 3 in a few weeks but I think he has been 3 for about 3 years. It makes me very worried for his actual 3's and especially those teenage years.

Ashley said...

Your boys(and girl)are all so sweet... can't imagine he's that bad... right? I know how it can be though... Calli has been driving me crazy these last few days (just being very needy), but last night when we were out, strangers were approaching me telling me, "She's a keeper! She's so cute." If they only knew...
p.s.- I referenced your blog today on my blog. Thought you might want to read it.

Christine said...

Coming from somone who has never had a child sleep 12 hours in a row, I have no sympathy. No wonder you relish motherhood! A diagonal cut? so what? My aliens need their pancakes to have Mickey Mouse ears!!! (thanks a lot to their Grandma!) "no- the ears aren't on the side, they are on the top! That doesn't look like Mickey- that looks like a heart..... I wanted that pancake- that's the onlly good one!!!"

a10cowwoman said...

Way cute read.

Rebecca said...

I hope the aliens give him back soon! My daughter turns 3, and I hope she stays sweet as ever...although she screams and yells at her brothers all too often.

Kimberly said...

Oh my, that sounds so, so familiar! It's a conspiracy!

Angela said...

Very impressive post- and fun to read- They have never returned my children!

Sonja said...

It's an epidemic!! I'm sure they've taken my two year old too!

hehe...very fun to read Michal. Hope he comes home soon. :)