Before Bedtime Thoughts

It has been an emotional day for me, but this evening I am feeling peace and the love of the Lord and wanted to share here.

The second/third day after my c-sections are always very weepy for me. Anyone else's body work like that? I just know that the day after my c-sections I feel high as a kite, call tons of people, welcome visitors, get up and move around. Then, the next day hits. I am tired and so very sore (it may have to do with the fact that the morphine is totally out of my system by then), weepy, and not sure if I want to see anyone or have anyone see me in my weepy state. I dread every phone call (even though to a certain extent they are good for me) because I fear that I'll start crying in the midst of any conversation--and in most, I do.

So that was today for me. Throw into that the fact that my blood pressure hasn't dropped like they wanted and finally today they started expressing concern about it. And that Margaret has decided at about half of her feedings in the past 24 hours that she'd just as soon not eat, which means that they are feeding her passively (via gavage tube), which means that there is a very good chance she won't come home with me on Friday. Water works.

I tried talking myself through it this afternoon. I tried reciting scriptures to myself that generally help me to remember to have faith. I tried calling my husband (but just sobbed to him to the point that he was sure I was hysterical.) I tried praying but not on my knees, since I couldn't possibly do that right now, and I kept finding my mind wandering. Part of the problem is my pain killers make it hard to focus on much of anything. Anyway, I was a blubbery mess this afternoon.

But tonight I am better. When I went to see and feed Margaret at 6:00 she didn't want to eat, but I held her and loved her and felt some peace returning. I was able to remind myself not to waste energy worrying about things that were out of my control. Then Jared came. He and his dad gave me (and then the baby) a priesthood blessing. Basically, they use the power of their preisthood to bless me with the things that they feel prompted that the Lord wants to tell me. I love priesthood blessings and really felt Heavenly Father wrapping His arms around me tonight. I was also reminded that He gives us trials for a reason and that I shouldn't expect that my life will be without them. Of course I already knew this, but I wasn't really thinking that way. I need to remember that He gives us trials so that we learn to rely on Him and also that His works may be made manifest. He wants me to see His power and blessings in my life, and I need the trials for that.

Margaret ate so well tonight after her blessing. She started out acting sleepy and lethargic as she had been doing, but then all of a sudden she latched on and went to town. She had a great feeding and was bright-eyed for us. We had such a nice time there with her, enjoying our daughter. I left feeling much better. Much, much better.

We still need your prayers. I don't know what is up with my health at the moment, although there is no reason for us to worry either. More importantly, we need to exercise our faith to help Margaret have the energy and desire to eat every 3 hours so that she can come home and be with our family. I know that so many people love us and care about our situation--please pray for Margaret and for me that I won't be a basket case and for Jared that he'll be able to handle me even when I am!

In the meantime, here are a few of the scriptures that have been coming to my head over the course of this week and the trials that we've had (I know I still haven't delivered on the promise of her birth story, but that's for another post. I need some sleep.)

Be still and know that I am God.-- D&C 101:16

Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.-- D&C 90:24

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowlege Him, and He will direct thy paths.--Proverbs 3:5-6

I love the scriptures and am so grateful that the Lord uses them to comfort us in times of need. I am so grateful to be able to turn to Him in my trials and that He hears my pleas. I am grateful to know that He knows my pain, my needs, my fears, and desires to bless me.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Accepting the Challenge

About a week ago, I got an email from a friend. In response to the passing of our beloved prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley, someone came up with an idea of a fitting way to pay tribute to him. President Hinckley was so dynamic, energetic, and served for so long, and he was known for many things during his presidency, including more than doubling the number of temples on the earth, establishing the Perpetual Education Fund for poor members in other countries, and challenging the entire Church to read the Book of Mormon together, cover to cover, in the latter half of 2005. Anyway, this person has organized what they are calling "the Hinckley Challenge," during which participants read the Book of Mormon from beginning to end in 97 days (as Pres. Hinckley was 97 years old.) So far, over 28,000 people have signed up to read. At the bottom of my blog, you can track my progress on my reading chart (this will help keep me accountable.)
I have read the Book of Mormon more times than I can count and am constantly striving to study from its pages. It has brought a sense of purpose, peace, and understanding into my life since I was very young and began to study it. Sometimes as a mother, scripture study falls to the bottom of my list rather than being near the top, where it belongs--so this challenge will help me keep my study habits strong. If I can keep it up for 97 days, I will have reestablished the habit of reading from its pages daily.
If you go to this site, you can input any scripture study plan you like, from any of the standard works of the Church, lesson manuals, Church magazines, etc. They will help you devise a plan for accomplishing your study goal and will email you each day with the actual text that you need to read to reach your goal on time! It's a great tool. Even though I prefer to read my scriptures so that I can mark them, getting the email reminds me that I need to read.
President Hinckley gave this promise about the Book of Mormon: "Without reservation I promise you that if each of you will observe this simple program, regardless of how many times you previously may have read the Book of Mormon, there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God. "
I have a testimony that his words are true and that regular study of the Book of Mormon brings peace and joy into my life. Won't you join me?

Faith, not Doubt

I've been thinking a lot lately about what polar opposites faith and doubt are. I suppose it started with my spiritual wrestling with God over homeschooling our brood. I had previously let fear keep me from doing anything more than talking about researching possibly doing home school! In my mind, I was actually researching, but deep down I was hoping that the Lord would point me in a different direction and that my research would be akin to Abraham being willing to sacrifice Isaac--at the last minute, the angel would sweep in and send my kids back to school. To my amazement, the more I looked into home school, the more potential that I could see for it to truly bless my family; and yet, I was still afraid.
Anyhow, last week when I felt an undeniable impression that homeschooling our children NOW, not some non-committal day in the future, was the right thing to do, I couldn't shake the fear. I have been heard to say all the same things that so many people have said to me in the past week: "I just don't think I could do homeschool;" followed by one of the following sentences:

• "I'm not organized enough."
• "My kids and I really need a break from each other."
• "I don't have the patience for it."
• "I really need that time while they are in school."

Guess what? Those things were all still true about me. The only thing that had really changed was that deep down in my heart, I knew that it was the best thing for my kids. (I'm not trying to preach that it's the best for everyone, but I knew that it was the best for mine.) So, I asked the Lord to take away my fear. And I immediately remembered the principle that fear and faith cannot coexist. I determined to focus on my faith in God. I have to trust Him. If He, in His infinite wisdom, knows homeschooling to be the path for my family to take, what do I have to be afraid of? Certainly it will require change, work, more patience than I currently have, and a healthy dose of prayer, but why should I fear those things?
Then yesterday morning as I was studying the scriptures, a strip of paper fell out of them. It was a quote from a lesson I had in Relief Society ages ago. It said,
"Remember, faith and doubt cannot exist in the mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. Cast out doubt. Cultivate faith. Strive always to retain that childlike faith which can move mountains and bring heaven closer to heart and home." --Thomas S. Monson
Not only did this quote fit in with the theme of my musings of late, but I was struck with the last phrase: that faith can bring heaven closer to heart and home. Isn't that our goal as mothers (and fathers)? What better reason to cast out doubt and cultivate faith?
I love the term cultivate there, it reminds me of gardening (which is not one of my strengths, although I would love to change that.) Faith doesn't just happen. It's not that you either have it or you don't. You have to work at it, feeding it, watering it, weeding out the doubts and the other weeds that would attack your faith. It goes along with Alma's analogy in the Book of Mormon of faith being like a seed that will grow if nurtured properly.
I have felt so strengthened in the past week, since I made the commitment to follow the spiritual promptings I have been given to homeschool our children. I can feel my faith grow as I cast away doubt. And that faith is strengthening me and telling me that I, in my imperfect state, and take on this enormous challenge.
I am filled with gratitude and with the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows me, my family, our needs, my flaws, and that He is willing to work with me to help me overcome the obstacles to become the woman that He wants me to be.